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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

What Could Luhnow Get for...Jeff Luhnow?

The Astros' new Social Media Director Kelley George is quite diligent about passing on information about the team to bloggers.  I can't speak for other bloggers, but I consistently receive press releases prepared by the Astros' media relations department courtesy of a Kelley George forward.

George indicated in a previous email that her goal was to give bloggers the same information that mainstream media sources receive.  While a majority of the Astros-related information that I get from Ms. George is not relevant to the minor league focus of Farmstros, I appreciate the efforts of the organization on this front.


Having said that, reading Jared Webb's speculation of who Jeff Luhnow might be able to acquire in various trades in the next several months caused me to wonder what Luhnow would be able to acquire if he stopped fooling around with trading players.

I can only imagine the press release I will receive from Kelley George when Jeff Luhnow trades Jeff Luhnow.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

January 16, 2013

Contact: Astros Media Relation Department- 713-259-xxxx

CUTTING EDGE LUHNOW BRINGS IN MASSIVE HAUL WITH UNPRECEDENTED TRANSACTIONS

 Houston, TX-  Making use of experimental technology recommended by his decision scientists, Astros General Manager Jeff Luhnow has leveraged the club's greatest asset into several pieces that will enhance the organization's legacy and its future.

After several attempts, Luhnow, Sig Megdal and Mike Fast successfully created an exact clone of Luhnow, which they were quickly able to find a taker for on the open market.  "Once we realized that it could be done, I figured 'why not?'", said Luhnow about the revolutionary procedure.  "I mean, if I can get Matt Dominguez and that left-handed pitcher for Carlos Lee, I can only imagine what I should be able to get for ME, or in this case, a clone of ME."

With the success of the first cloning, the trio completed several more Luhnow clones, which were used dealt for the betterment of the franchise.  "I was skeptical at first, and it sounded a bit risky," said owner Jim Crane.  "However, Jeff showed me the results of the tests they had done with Junction Jack, and it seemed up to code.  Also, Jeff assured me that he was only trading his clones.  The original Luhnow would remain right here to run the club, which is my ultimate concern."

A total of five new Luhnows were created and traded.  Following is a summary of the transactions:

Luhnow Clone #1 to the BBWAA

The Luhnow clone will help the BBWAA institute his 22-page Sabremetrics-based plan for reforming the Hall of Fame selection procedure.  In return, Craig Biggio, Jeff Bagwell and Roger Clemens will be elected to the hall via a special election in April 2013.

Luhnow Clone #2 to the Houston Texans

The Luhnow clone will be responsible for tutoring Arian Foster on proper Twitter etiquette.   In return, Texans cheerleaders will perform at 36, 24 or 36 Astros' home games during the 2013 season.

Luhnow Clone #3 to a McDonald's in the Oak Forest area

Anyone who has seen Multiplicity is aware that cloning is an inexact science.  At times, a clone is no where near level of the original.  This is the case with clone #3.  Fortunately, the original Luhnow was even able to find a taker for this less than perfect version of himself.  Clone #3 will be working the drive thru window under the golden arches 40 hours a week.  In return, Luhnow, Megdal and Fast will receive all the Big Mac meals they can eat during baseball season.

Luhnow Clone #4 to U.S. Men's National Soccer Team

Drawing on the original's background growing up in Mexico, clone #4 will help the U.S. team devise a plan to roundly defeat the Tri-Colores in this year's World Cup qualifying and next year's World Cup competition.  In return, the USMNT's friendly against Canada on January 29  will be moved from BBVA Compass Stadium to Minute Maid Park.

NOTE:  This clone was originally slated to be traded to the Houston Astrodome.  He was going to share his 32-page fail-safe plan to renovate the stadium in a fiscally responsible, aesthetically pleasing manner.  However, the deal fell through when it was determined that the 'dome had nothing of value left to offer in return.

Luhnow Clone #5 to the Sugar Land Skeeters

The clone will assist the Skeeters in the completion of a blockbuster trade with the Camden RiverSharks.  In return, the Skeeters promise not to outdraw the Astros in attendance for the next two seasons, even if Roger Clemens pitches for them.


At the moment, there are no plans for further cloning.  For more information, visit www.astros.com.



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